A moment of truth...

Soundtrack: Airplanes (feat. Hayley Williams) by B.O.B.

Recently I've been blessed with an incredible opportunity to be able to step into a job that in some ways I'm not sure how I was so fortunate to get. The heartbeat, motives, and purpose explain parts of my life that I never understood. In many ways the very heart and purpose of this organization forces me to discuss a part of me that I have always been hesitant to share-especially with those that I have served with in my former communities of faith. So in an effort to share why this new opportunity is so important as well as to honor my friends as I travel on this journey here's a bit more to my story that I tend to avoid...

My heart beats for the ones with no voice, no hope, the wounded, the forgotten, and the unloved. This same heart definitely bleeds for the next generation. I feel that there are few things worth more investment than the children and young people of today. There is power in exposing a generation to the hope and love of Christ and the transformation that ensues as they get to know Him. This transformation is rarely evident in the way we want, but always in the way that the individual needs. Above all, inside this heart you will find that there has always been one first love, Jesus Christ. My heart knows that He is dwelling in it, that He comes first, and He is invited to be a part of every decision made and path that is followed. My heart longs to be a reflection of His heart.

I grew up in church and discovered who God was at a very young age (four I think). My mother loved God with all her heart. My father was trying to find himself and life was rough in the process. We moved quite a few times growing up due to my father being in the military. This led to knowing what it was like to gain friends and lose friends quickly, never to see most of them again. I found out what it means to have a father who was not there for a good chunk of life. I also found out how true God is to His word to never leave us or forsake us. This is one of the things I hold onto with all my might, mainly because of how strongly He was there for me growing up.

At about the age of 12 I discovered that I was attracted to guys (and not girls). This terrified me because I grew up in a place that firmly stated that it was sinful, that God hated it, and that anyone who was like me was going to go to Hell. This led to over two years of intense repentance, every week I was at the altar (but I made sure to never tell anyone why for fear of being outcast). I dated a couple girls in high school (sorry girls), trying to see if I could change or at least get distracted from this battle-needless to say it didn’t work. The relationships with the girls both ended for very similar reasons, there basically was not a mutual attraction and they could pick up on it. I did not know what to do next, so I locked down this secret and hid it.

While in high school I strongly felt the call to ministry, so I began the pursuit of that after graduation. I went to a ministry school called ‘Master’s Commission’ and gave it my all. While in ‘MC’ I came to realize that my family life growing up wasn’t normal, and that I needed to deal with that as well as my same-sex attraction. I received healing and guidance for the funky father dynamics, but no one wanted to even talk about ‘the other thing.’ All I could do was keep going and keep trying to hide it (all the while being led to believe that if I prayed hard enough I could become straight). I graduated and became a youth pastor at my ‘home’ church.

I loved getting to be a part of those teenagers lives. We reached out to the kids it seemed nobody else wanted. We tried to unconditionally love them, and saw many of them fall in love with their Heavenly Father. It was awesome to see the transformation in these kids lives as they fell more and more deeply in love with Him. We saw foster kids gain a hope for the future, we saw drug addicts quit or seek help, we saw suicidal students dream again, and we saw same-sex attracted teens know the love and acceptance of Christ (even while I was misinformed/misled myself). In our ministry, that hit a point of effectively reaching about 100 teens on a regular basis, there were easily 10 or more that dealt with same-sex attraction. I was confused at the time, I didn’t know what to do with my battle except for hide it (and hope for change), but we did our best to love these kids no matter what and that seemed to be the most important part. I saw one male teen who struggled with the question of same-sex attraction because of a molestation by a male in his life realize but when he had the opportunity to ask questions openly and honestly-he was able to accept the fact that he honestly wasn't attracted to guys at all. We saw a young woman come to terms with her sexuality and tried to love her through the process of coming out. We even had to work through things with a another girl and her boyfriend because she cheated on him with a girl, that was interesting. I was the youth pastor who had no idea what to do but love them like Jesus would have. I had no answers except that one. I wish I had known more. I wish someone would have done the same with me so I could have had peace sooner. I wish I would have had the chance to ask questions and be allowed to think outside the denominational walls of theological thought. I wish I could go back to each one of those teens that struggled with this part of who they were and apologize, and to encourage them to seek God's face and know that no matter what conclusion they come to-they are loved and greatly valued.

Since my time in that place I have been privileged to work in other churches, big and small, healthy and dying. I’ve seen Christians at their best and at their worst. I have discovered that God’s word is alive, and that it is relevant for today and this generation. I have seen the beauty in the difference of opinion and that it is alright to agree to disagree; especially when there are souls, lives, people, and a future of hope on the line. I have also discovered that it is okay to ask questions, to seek God’s face about what He means, and that the most important thing is that I know Him and I do my best to obey Him (and there will be times I mess up).

To this day I have done my best to live a life of purity on both the same-sex and heterosexual sides of things (obviously one has been easier than the other). My journey has brought me to a place of peace on this matter. I’ve spent a good portion of my life seeking, reading, and praying about what to do with the sexual attraction part of my life. I’ve read articles and books, read the Bible over and over, dove into studies on the Greek/Hebrew, and listened to podcasts from varying perspectives. I do believe that there is a place of balance, and that there are extremists on both sides of the spectrum. Ultimately, as much as some people don’t like it, the final say ends with God and His relationship with that person. In my personal life I have discovered that God does love me for who I am, I’ve never had such a peace and closeness with Him as I do now. I will never deny the changing power and potential of God, but for the time being I seek to honor him in my state of having a same-sex attraction (or being gay) as it is very much the way I am currently oriented.

I don't share this information to cause controversy, create drama, or hurt the many amazing friends that I am so blessed to have in my life. I share this because my heart is hurting and bleeding for every single teen, young adult, and adult that was blindly shoved into the same places I was and terrified to share this part of who they are. Our faith is our own personal journey and we are allowed to ask questions...wrestle...read...seek the Holy Spirit...and come to different conclusions than those around us. You are loved just the way you are-whether you deal with same-sex attraction or something completely different.

It means the world that you've read this. If you have questions or comments please feel free to email me at wpatterson02@gmail.com.

For more information on solid resources for homosexuality and having conversations about it in the church check out: www.newdirection.ca

If you're looking for support on that journey check out www.freetobeme.com or www.trevorproject.org .