Taylor's Screams

Taylor's Screams

Soundtrack: Blank Space by Taylor Swift

A couple months ago I had a couple friends in Toronto introduce me to Taylor Swift's newest album...and much to my chagrin, I liked it (apologies to my friend, Joe, for harassing him so much for liking her music before). Recently I've been obsessed with Taylor Swift's song "Blank Space" (feel free to judge, but hear me out first). 

I'm a bit weird when it comes to music...it can obsess me. Not any particular artist or album though...it's usually songs. And I will play them to death (for many of the people around me). Something in a song will hook me, and then I have to listen...dissect...process...and emotional 'eat' the song. In this case it's a bit odd though, because it's not the words (which is what it usually is). Thankfully, most of my breakups have been fairly mutual and positive, though each painful in it's own way...much thanks to the solid quality of character of the people I've had the chance to share life with. And it's been super puzzling to me as to why this song has enamored me.

 Then this morning while reflecting/praying/pacing/whatever you want to call it, it smacked me. In the face. It was the screams.

Now I don't mean that in any perverted or erotic way, but I kept cranking the volume because I didn't want to hear the words (sorry Taylor). I was after the beats in the background, the bass, and the screams. It was so weird, and maybe it was just me projecting, but there was something about the raw emotion...pain...and sheer 'rawr' in the way she was carrying the vocals boarding on screams that resonated to the core of my being.

Ever heard a song like that? One that connects in such a way that you know to the core of your being that you aren't the only human who has hurt that way...emotionally bled that way...felt that way.

Why? I suck at grieving...and right now it's the one thing I need to do.

I don't share this for pity, or to whine...but because maybe someone else would resonate with this or it would be helpful. I'm grieving a ton of things right now. I hate to admit it...but it's my reality. Don't get me wrong, life has been kind to me and I'm blessed to have the job I have, be around my family again, call the church that I'm attending home, and have the friends around me that I do. Yet, in the background I'm coming to terms with a whole lot of dreams that died or look a lot different than I had anticipated...many tied to things outside of my control. And it helps to hear the cries of someone else who gets it.

So if things are falling apart...

...if you're wrestling with your faith

...if you're coming out of the closet

...if you're starting life over...again

...if you're grieving dreams from your childhood not able to become a reality

...if you're missing people you love

...if you're doing your best to move forward when the past keeps calling

...or anything else...

You're not alone. Let's scream together?

Happy Thoughts :)

Soundtrack: Session by Linkin Park

After reading through my blog recently, I came to the conclusion that the it has a bit of a dark tone to it (and well my roommate Sarah point blank agreed with me). So I've been wrestling with how to make it not so dreary the past couple days. It's a privilege to get to share my journey with people and am so grateful for each of you willing to keep tabs on me.

Without further ado - here are some happy thoughts.

Looking out my window I can see an incredible view of downtown Toronto (with pretty lights) and everything is covered with a fluffy layer of snow.

In September my roommates and I were able to move into a brand spanking new apartment that has been such a blessing (especially to this neat freak and introvert).

Just got back from an awesome experience at the GCN Conference, which you can read more about in my post on New Direction's blog here: http://www.btgproject.blogspot.ca/2013/02/experiencing-true-community.html (And the rest of the posts are definitely worth reading as well).

I'm about to be an uncle and am beyond stoked for my brother and his wife and the new life that's about to become a part of their wonderful family. They will be incredible parents.

There have been some mind blowing new doors opening for New Direction and my colleague at work, can't wait to see what comes of these. One of them being an article featuring us which you can check out here: http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Updating_dogma-13121.aspx

Finally, through a combination of so many events, conversations, and people it seems like a place has been found that isn't founded on fear. A place to get to listen to people, journey with people, ask questions with people and the responses are not rooted in fear...but are honest attempts for each of us to move closer to the hope we've found and to encourage others with that. That we are truly unconditionally loved and invited to be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves. It's like that was supposed to be the good news or something...

A Tension Please?

Soundtrack: Rhythms of Grace by Hillsong United

*new edits: August 13, 2012

Tension.

It's difficult to describe.
Tense.

Right.

Wrong.

Yes.

No

Gut wrenching.
Stressful.
Joyful.
Pulling.
Trying.
Angry.
Peace.
Misunderstanding.
Understanding.
Hurt.
Healing.
Pain.
Whole.

A few years ago I remember sitting in my car with a good friend. At the time we both were involved in a ministry school. I had been involved with the school for about three years and we had recently relocated the entire program to a new city and church. In the process of this move I had become very involved in another ministry at the new church, and become very good friends with the leader of that ministry. A comment had been made during our conversation in the car and the conversation got pretty tense. My breaking point had been reached. Thankfully the guy I was talking to in the car was a close friend because I basically became unglued and unloaded all the thoughts and frustrations that came with living in the middle of the tension between the two ministries.

Things between the ministry I was involved in and the ministry school I was a part of had become pretty tense. On one hand I had many very close and long term friends; and on the other was a new incredibly important friend plus a ministry and a team of people that I was growing to love as well. Two very different contexts. Two very different sets of events. Two very different histories. Two very different perspectives...and I had the privilege of getting to live, work, and exist in this world of tension between the two. These were two extremely important sets of people to me. The purpose of both groups were my heartbeat and they seemed at odds with each other and it was incredible painful and frustrating seeing it happen.

The whole situation seemed immature, petty, and counter productive. My heart hurt because both of these 'worlds' should have been working together, yet it seemed the tension between the two would never go away. Both sides were having trouble fully understanding the perspective of the other, trying to mend things seemed next to impossible, and looking to the future and seeing what was possible was frustrating seeing where things were. I loved both groups of people, ministries, and purposes dearly. This tension was wounding and frustrating because I didn't know how to fix it...and at times it seemed beyond repair. The tensions and actions taken rooted out of that tension also undermined any positive influence either ministry had to anyone who could see the tension.

Fast forward to today.

Things have evolved quite a bit. In the time since the 'conversation in the car' events have unfolded and both groups have made tremendous movement forward-so has that church. Sure there are bumps along the way, but both groups of people are working together and amazing things are happening. Things neither group could do on their own easily are happening as they work together. Above all else, it seems as though they've gotten to know how awesome the people in the other world are. I no longer am privilege to work with these people on a regular basis, but every time I visit it's incredible to see how they're working together and the huge impact that it's having. Seeing where they are now gives me tremendous hope for the future of the Church as a whole.

Tension is now the reality of my work. I love my job, just not always the tension. In so many ways this feels so much like the previous situation, only on a much grander scale. Daily the tensions in and between the Christian church and the gay community play out before my eyes. I've only been working in this tension for about six months, but it's already reached the place of being gutting at times. The levels of misunderstanding, immaturity, and pettiness play like a movie that no one should want to watch. I've watched as people argued about chicken sandwiches as I try to respond to an email from a young man who lives in the Southern US, is questioning his sexuality, and has no one safe to talk to. I've watched as friends on my Facebook took 'stands' for God only to receive a text from a close friend asking why people would say such hateful things. I've continued to journey knowing that some in my life are even questioning my salvation because I am choosing to walk with people instead of drawing a line in the sand. Both communities are composed of people that I know, value, love, and believe in; and many friends are caught in the tension between the two...

When will we meet people where they are...and listen to what they have to say?

When will we acknowledge the realities of people we may not fully understand?

When will we educate ourselves to truly know what we're talking about?

When will we back up to see how counter productive our approaches have been?

When will we realize how immature this makes us look?

When will we realize that while we fight, bicker, and debate another generation is rolling their eyes and walking away?

When will we engage in honest conversation and admit the things we're really not sure about?

When will we realize that the statements being made are not worth the price of losing our neighbor?

What about all the people, families, and young people caught in the middle?

She lied...

Soundtrack: Hands Held High by Linkin Park

She lied to me.
She lied to me about what truth really was.

She lied to me.
She lied to me about what love looks like.

She lied to me.
She lied to me about what it means to love my neighbor.

She lied to me.
She lied to me about the importance of power versus motives and humility.

She lied to me.
She lied to me about the importance of the law.

She lied to me.
She lied to me about who Jesus really was.

She lied to me.
She lied to me about what to do with my sexuality.

She lied to me.
She lied to me through the people closest to me.

She lied to me.
She lied to my parents about their marriage.

I gave her my all and...she lied to me.

Was she really who she said she was?
Was she really who I thought she was?
Is she really who she thinks she is?
Will she hear ‘well done’ or ‘go away’?

Is she the bride or the whore?

Let me say that this is simply an expression of the past year for me and some realizations that I've come to after much wrestling. I hope it encourages some of you. I hope it makes some of us check ourselves and the motives that drive us. If you have questions or comments please feel free to email me at wpatterson02@gmail.com. If you feel lied to...you're not alone. Let's keep looking for who she really is...

A concluding thought-the other day I was having lunch with my boss (it seems so lacking to simply call her that but it works for now) and shared this thought. She had a very good point to ponder as she quoted St. Augustine by saying "The Church is a whore, but she is my mother."

A moment of truth...

Soundtrack: Airplanes (feat. Hayley Williams) by B.O.B.

Recently I've been blessed with an incredible opportunity to be able to step into a job that in some ways I'm not sure how I was so fortunate to get. The heartbeat, motives, and purpose explain parts of my life that I never understood. In many ways the very heart and purpose of this organization forces me to discuss a part of me that I have always been hesitant to share-especially with those that I have served with in my former communities of faith. So in an effort to share why this new opportunity is so important as well as to honor my friends as I travel on this journey here's a bit more to my story that I tend to avoid...

My heart beats for the ones with no voice, no hope, the wounded, the forgotten, and the unloved. This same heart definitely bleeds for the next generation. I feel that there are few things worth more investment than the children and young people of today. There is power in exposing a generation to the hope and love of Christ and the transformation that ensues as they get to know Him. This transformation is rarely evident in the way we want, but always in the way that the individual needs. Above all, inside this heart you will find that there has always been one first love, Jesus Christ. My heart knows that He is dwelling in it, that He comes first, and He is invited to be a part of every decision made and path that is followed. My heart longs to be a reflection of His heart.

I grew up in church and discovered who God was at a very young age (four I think). My mother loved God with all her heart. My father was trying to find himself and life was rough in the process. We moved quite a few times growing up due to my father being in the military. This led to knowing what it was like to gain friends and lose friends quickly, never to see most of them again. I found out what it means to have a father who was not there for a good chunk of life. I also found out how true God is to His word to never leave us or forsake us. This is one of the things I hold onto with all my might, mainly because of how strongly He was there for me growing up.

At about the age of 12 I discovered that I was attracted to guys (and not girls). This terrified me because I grew up in a place that firmly stated that it was sinful, that God hated it, and that anyone who was like me was going to go to Hell. This led to over two years of intense repentance, every week I was at the altar (but I made sure to never tell anyone why for fear of being outcast). I dated a couple girls in high school (sorry girls), trying to see if I could change or at least get distracted from this battle-needless to say it didn’t work. The relationships with the girls both ended for very similar reasons, there basically was not a mutual attraction and they could pick up on it. I did not know what to do next, so I locked down this secret and hid it.

While in high school I strongly felt the call to ministry, so I began the pursuit of that after graduation. I went to a ministry school called ‘Master’s Commission’ and gave it my all. While in ‘MC’ I came to realize that my family life growing up wasn’t normal, and that I needed to deal with that as well as my same-sex attraction. I received healing and guidance for the funky father dynamics, but no one wanted to even talk about ‘the other thing.’ All I could do was keep going and keep trying to hide it (all the while being led to believe that if I prayed hard enough I could become straight). I graduated and became a youth pastor at my ‘home’ church.

I loved getting to be a part of those teenagers lives. We reached out to the kids it seemed nobody else wanted. We tried to unconditionally love them, and saw many of them fall in love with their Heavenly Father. It was awesome to see the transformation in these kids lives as they fell more and more deeply in love with Him. We saw foster kids gain a hope for the future, we saw drug addicts quit or seek help, we saw suicidal students dream again, and we saw same-sex attracted teens know the love and acceptance of Christ (even while I was misinformed/misled myself). In our ministry, that hit a point of effectively reaching about 100 teens on a regular basis, there were easily 10 or more that dealt with same-sex attraction. I was confused at the time, I didn’t know what to do with my battle except for hide it (and hope for change), but we did our best to love these kids no matter what and that seemed to be the most important part. I saw one male teen who struggled with the question of same-sex attraction because of a molestation by a male in his life realize but when he had the opportunity to ask questions openly and honestly-he was able to accept the fact that he honestly wasn't attracted to guys at all. We saw a young woman come to terms with her sexuality and tried to love her through the process of coming out. We even had to work through things with a another girl and her boyfriend because she cheated on him with a girl, that was interesting. I was the youth pastor who had no idea what to do but love them like Jesus would have. I had no answers except that one. I wish I had known more. I wish someone would have done the same with me so I could have had peace sooner. I wish I would have had the chance to ask questions and be allowed to think outside the denominational walls of theological thought. I wish I could go back to each one of those teens that struggled with this part of who they were and apologize, and to encourage them to seek God's face and know that no matter what conclusion they come to-they are loved and greatly valued.

Since my time in that place I have been privileged to work in other churches, big and small, healthy and dying. I’ve seen Christians at their best and at their worst. I have discovered that God’s word is alive, and that it is relevant for today and this generation. I have seen the beauty in the difference of opinion and that it is alright to agree to disagree; especially when there are souls, lives, people, and a future of hope on the line. I have also discovered that it is okay to ask questions, to seek God’s face about what He means, and that the most important thing is that I know Him and I do my best to obey Him (and there will be times I mess up).

To this day I have done my best to live a life of purity on both the same-sex and heterosexual sides of things (obviously one has been easier than the other). My journey has brought me to a place of peace on this matter. I’ve spent a good portion of my life seeking, reading, and praying about what to do with the sexual attraction part of my life. I’ve read articles and books, read the Bible over and over, dove into studies on the Greek/Hebrew, and listened to podcasts from varying perspectives. I do believe that there is a place of balance, and that there are extremists on both sides of the spectrum. Ultimately, as much as some people don’t like it, the final say ends with God and His relationship with that person. In my personal life I have discovered that God does love me for who I am, I’ve never had such a peace and closeness with Him as I do now. I will never deny the changing power and potential of God, but for the time being I seek to honor him in my state of having a same-sex attraction (or being gay) as it is very much the way I am currently oriented.

I don't share this information to cause controversy, create drama, or hurt the many amazing friends that I am so blessed to have in my life. I share this because my heart is hurting and bleeding for every single teen, young adult, and adult that was blindly shoved into the same places I was and terrified to share this part of who they are. Our faith is our own personal journey and we are allowed to ask questions...wrestle...read...seek the Holy Spirit...and come to different conclusions than those around us. You are loved just the way you are-whether you deal with same-sex attraction or something completely different.

It means the world that you've read this. If you have questions or comments please feel free to email me at wpatterson02@gmail.com.

For more information on solid resources for homosexuality and having conversations about it in the church check out: www.newdirection.ca

If you're looking for support on that journey check out www.freetobeme.com or www.trevorproject.org .

Open

Soundtrack: Iridescent by Linkin Park

There are some massive things churning in my heart and mind at the moment...things I want to share with you. Unfortunately, the thoughts are too raw and unprocessed to share yet.

This past weekend has been one of, if not the best, events to happen in my life. I know where I want to go and the people I want to stand with and behind. My faith is at a an all time high and my heart hurts at an all time high as well.

Fear, anger, frustration, love, joy, pain, peace, and so many other feelings are the things I'm processing at the moment. I don't want to tell you these things through words but through people, lives, love, and experience.

If you do read this and pray-please pray that I will come up with the right words to share with you what's going on or better yet...let's have a conversation.

iContact

Soundtrack: Cut (Andy Hunter Mix) by Plumb

For the past week or so this song has been echoing around inside my head and my heart. Check out these words that Plumb so passionately states: 'these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye.' This sums up so much.

Does this strike a cord with you? How many people have we written off without taking just a moment to look them in the eyes...and truly listen to their story? Have you ever wanted someone to simply just look you in the eyes and listen? How many times have we lost the true value, pain, and experience of someone's life and current place by just seeing their words at face value? What if the things that people really wanted to express where as easy to understand as simply looking into their eyes? What if we cared enough to do it?

So often the eyes are described as 'windows to the soul' (even Jesus made reference to it). What scares us about truly looking into someone's eyes? Are we scared of what we'll see? Do we hide our eyes from others because we don't want them to look in? What if someone took the time to look into the eyes of those kids that have been bullied so much that they took their life to escape the pain? What if someone looked into the eyes of the woman who was in an abusive relationship and she couldn't ask for help? What if someone looked into the eyes of the kid who constantly is told that they're nothing at home and is beginning to believe it? What if someone looked into your eyes at the most painful moment of your life and just...understood...saw...accepted...loved?

Scars are a beautiful thing. Scars show the power of healing. Scars tell the story of pain. Scars can give strangers common ground. Scars can expose the need for change. Scars wouldn't be so hidden if we could just look each other in the eye...